how could you understand?
my dad was here this weekend.
during that time, I had a minor breakdown. It all seemed to stem from the fact that my computer isn't working, but I know it's so much more than that. I know myself well enough to know that deep down it's more about how lonely I am than anything else. That I'm lonely, that I don't have any friends. It's just not good at all.
you might wonder how i get from a junked up computer to not having any friends, but it's a quick jump, really. So many different paths to get there, too. the first would be, i have few friends, therefore less to do, therefore more time to spend on the computer, hence a broken system is bad. Or, I have few friends, fewer people i even know, and no one to recommend someone to help fix the computer.
once I get to the lonely part, the breakdown is inevitable. i've gone there nearly my entire life. or at the very least, since middle school. the only time in my life when this didn't happen was college, a nice 2-3 year span. it wasn't even the entire time, because while i had friends, I also got slammed with depression, and where I was, breakdowns were a part of daily life. different triggers, breakdowns just the same.
i don't know if i actually called myself a loser this weekend, but there was so much crying and bawling and just spurting of words, it's hard to know. but at some point, nearly out of the blue, dad said something like, "you're not a loser, you're not" but really.. how could he ever know?
i don't have any friends. not here at least. no one but family members have ever been at my house. ever. even the person i used to live with doesn't call or contact me on a regular basis. the last few times i've talked or texted her, it's been at my initiation.. even at church, I go up and say hi to her. she wouldn't even wave at me first. But that's not entirely unexpected. after living with her for a while, i saw her for who she really was.
my new job isn't even conducive for making friends and that I think, is the hardest thing. i've got to find something new. something better. something for me.
during that time, I had a minor breakdown. It all seemed to stem from the fact that my computer isn't working, but I know it's so much more than that. I know myself well enough to know that deep down it's more about how lonely I am than anything else. That I'm lonely, that I don't have any friends. It's just not good at all.
you might wonder how i get from a junked up computer to not having any friends, but it's a quick jump, really. So many different paths to get there, too. the first would be, i have few friends, therefore less to do, therefore more time to spend on the computer, hence a broken system is bad. Or, I have few friends, fewer people i even know, and no one to recommend someone to help fix the computer.
once I get to the lonely part, the breakdown is inevitable. i've gone there nearly my entire life. or at the very least, since middle school. the only time in my life when this didn't happen was college, a nice 2-3 year span. it wasn't even the entire time, because while i had friends, I also got slammed with depression, and where I was, breakdowns were a part of daily life. different triggers, breakdowns just the same.
i don't know if i actually called myself a loser this weekend, but there was so much crying and bawling and just spurting of words, it's hard to know. but at some point, nearly out of the blue, dad said something like, "you're not a loser, you're not" but really.. how could he ever know?
i don't have any friends. not here at least. no one but family members have ever been at my house. ever. even the person i used to live with doesn't call or contact me on a regular basis. the last few times i've talked or texted her, it's been at my initiation.. even at church, I go up and say hi to her. she wouldn't even wave at me first. But that's not entirely unexpected. after living with her for a while, i saw her for who she really was.
my new job isn't even conducive for making friends and that I think, is the hardest thing. i've got to find something new. something better. something for me.
posted by Queenie at
11:19 PM
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