Surviving

Do you ever get to that point in your life where you feel like you're just trying to survive?

I'm there.

I don't have any answers. this isn't going to be some radically spiritual concept. I have no answers at all. i mean, from a personal perspective.

There's just a lot of stuff floating around in my head right now and i just want to try to sort it all out.

1- watching movies like The Sound of Music are bad for my mental health. However, I'd say any movie that isn't a horror movie is going to be bad for me. Any movie with any sort of relationship story line is going to suck. I get horribly swept up in these things and then wish that I had something like that, and then spend the rest of the evening crying over what i don't have.

-- things i don't have mean things like, well, a relationship of some sort of significance beyond friendship with a member of the opposite sex. How's that for loosely describing my yearning for a boyfriend? What do i know? nothing.

we're heading into the new year, into 2009-- and that only means it's time for my birthday countdown to begin. as the birthday countdown begins, I always begin to feel sorry for myself and pathetic that i'm turning one year older and yet another year begins without a boyfriend. no boyfriend means another year that i won't be getting married. A woman gets to 30 and hopes to have at least one significant relationship in her life, and alas, i have nothing.

it's not that i'm feeling sorry for myself... at this point, i'm just asking WHY? or rather, why NOT? Why haven't I? What's wrong with me?

i have so much to be grateful for, but sometimes i get really wrapped up in me. and i do feel bad about that.

now i'm even more confused than when i started... oh. i'm just done. for now.