I saw Kevin Bacon on TV tonight.
He's always reminded me of you.
I miss you.
In 2 weeks, it will be a year since I saw you last. It seems like longer. We didn't talk for very long the last time, because we were in the produce aisle, near the organic veggies. But you seemed very excited to see me. You went out of your way to run into me (litterally) with your cart. I would have gone on talking on the phone, picking out carrots, not even noticing you were there.
I noticed your shoes that day. And I noticed your arms. Your shoes were quite trendy and I thought, "wow, he must be growing up, losing that high school/college boy look" and the arms, well, I thought perhaps it was a cop thing, though I'm not sure why cops would have hairless arms. Briefly, I wondered about you, but it was only in passing because at the time, being SO CLOSE to Valentine's Day (and of course, my birthday) I was infatuated with you.
I had been for a while.
Infatuated with you. Since that trip to the west coast and that day at Universal, sitting, talking, in the rain. Riding the coasters. Leaving the rest of the group someplace else. We had to be in groups of 2, because it was a youth group trip. You were a "youth", I was a "counselor". It was all technicalities because you were already 18, as far as that was concerned. And I never had grown up yet. Ruben knew it, we all knew it. But I don't think even Ruben knew it then. He teased you quite a bit about a possible crush you had on the girl who helped us that week. And then the "awards" had more ribbing for you and I in them.
You say you've known your entire life. You were close to Ruben then. I would have thought maybe you would have said something to him by then, but I guess not. Ithink he would have been the type to not tease about something so opposite of what you say you are.
I can't believe how long it took me to find out. I searched for you on MySpace. I searched long and hard. And then I saw you on the news. You're a detective now, but still a new one. And you were holding a news conference. That didn't make any sense. You're still too new for that. And then I looked at the content that surrounded the news conference. It was a hate crime. And then I put the pieces together. I couldn't find you on MySpace because when I searched for you, I thought I still had a chance with you. Once I realized why you were holding the news conference for that hate crime, and that you were the liasion to that community, I searched under those paramaters, and there you were.
I told you I never knew. I told you I never would have thought you were that way.
You told me you've known your whole life.
Why didn't you tell me yourself?
I don't hate you. I really don't. I certainly am surprised at who you say you are. But I don't hate you. I still love you. I love you for the brother in Christ that I believe you to be. I hope that the entire time you said you wanted to go into the ministry, this was part of who you were. I want to believe that the person I was friends with was the exact same person you are now, except you're now more public about your lifestyle.
I guess I thought we were good friends. We talked a lot. A whole lot. But you never told me and I had to find out the hard way. That's why I'm so hurt, because you never trusted me enough to tell me yourself. I think you broke my heart with that. I was very crushed when you decided at the last minute not to come to our Beach SemiFormal when I was in college because you said something else was accidentally scheduled at the same time. Then I thought it was me. You were dumping me. But if this was the case, you still could have come and there would have been no expectations. There never were any expectations, even at the time, except that we'd wear hawaiian shirts, matching lei's, dance to Jimmy and have a great time. I did have a great time. I have my sisters to thank for that. But you did hurt my heart by not coming. You have hurt it more by not confiding in me.
I guess that's all I have to say to you about this. Even tho you'll never read this and I won't send it to you. I had to get things off of my chest.
I'll still hurt a little whenever I see Kevin Bacon tho. But I don't blame him either.
afterthought:
I do want to know why you went out of your way that day in the store.
He's always reminded me of you.
I miss you.
In 2 weeks, it will be a year since I saw you last. It seems like longer. We didn't talk for very long the last time, because we were in the produce aisle, near the organic veggies. But you seemed very excited to see me. You went out of your way to run into me (litterally) with your cart. I would have gone on talking on the phone, picking out carrots, not even noticing you were there.
I noticed your shoes that day. And I noticed your arms. Your shoes were quite trendy and I thought, "wow, he must be growing up, losing that high school/college boy look" and the arms, well, I thought perhaps it was a cop thing, though I'm not sure why cops would have hairless arms. Briefly, I wondered about you, but it was only in passing because at the time, being SO CLOSE to Valentine's Day (and of course, my birthday) I was infatuated with you.
I had been for a while.
Infatuated with you. Since that trip to the west coast and that day at Universal, sitting, talking, in the rain. Riding the coasters. Leaving the rest of the group someplace else. We had to be in groups of 2, because it was a youth group trip. You were a "youth", I was a "counselor". It was all technicalities because you were already 18, as far as that was concerned. And I never had grown up yet. Ruben knew it, we all knew it. But I don't think even Ruben knew it then. He teased you quite a bit about a possible crush you had on the girl who helped us that week. And then the "awards" had more ribbing for you and I in them.
You say you've known your entire life. You were close to Ruben then. I would have thought maybe you would have said something to him by then, but I guess not. Ithink he would have been the type to not tease about something so opposite of what you say you are.
I can't believe how long it took me to find out. I searched for you on MySpace. I searched long and hard. And then I saw you on the news. You're a detective now, but still a new one. And you were holding a news conference. That didn't make any sense. You're still too new for that. And then I looked at the content that surrounded the news conference. It was a hate crime. And then I put the pieces together. I couldn't find you on MySpace because when I searched for you, I thought I still had a chance with you. Once I realized why you were holding the news conference for that hate crime, and that you were the liasion to that community, I searched under those paramaters, and there you were.
I told you I never knew. I told you I never would have thought you were that way.
You told me you've known your whole life.
Why didn't you tell me yourself?
I don't hate you. I really don't. I certainly am surprised at who you say you are. But I don't hate you. I still love you. I love you for the brother in Christ that I believe you to be. I hope that the entire time you said you wanted to go into the ministry, this was part of who you were. I want to believe that the person I was friends with was the exact same person you are now, except you're now more public about your lifestyle.
I guess I thought we were good friends. We talked a lot. A whole lot. But you never told me and I had to find out the hard way. That's why I'm so hurt, because you never trusted me enough to tell me yourself. I think you broke my heart with that. I was very crushed when you decided at the last minute not to come to our Beach SemiFormal when I was in college because you said something else was accidentally scheduled at the same time. Then I thought it was me. You were dumping me. But if this was the case, you still could have come and there would have been no expectations. There never were any expectations, even at the time, except that we'd wear hawaiian shirts, matching lei's, dance to Jimmy and have a great time. I did have a great time. I have my sisters to thank for that. But you did hurt my heart by not coming. You have hurt it more by not confiding in me.
I guess that's all I have to say to you about this. Even tho you'll never read this and I won't send it to you. I had to get things off of my chest.
I'll still hurt a little whenever I see Kevin Bacon tho. But I don't blame him either.
afterthought:
I do want to know why you went out of your way that day in the store.
posted by Queenie at
12:58 AM
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