what can only amount to "spring cleaning"

Why is it that cleaning always makes more of a mess before you get it completely clean?

I'm talking, of course, in the big cleaning picture.... people like me, who don't have an organizational/clean bone in her body! I let things pile up, get cluttered, get disorganized, and then have this huge burst of "THIS MUST GET CLEAN NOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!"

That's where I am.. I'm attempting to clean up my closet.. not clean out, just clean up. I have this terrible habit of not hanging things back up and just throwing them on the pile that accumulates. Even when I do laundry, I take clothes out of the dryer... some (very few) get hung up immediately, and the rest usually get folded.. ok.. good.. I fold. But then, the clean clothes just get set in a stack in the closet. I have a dresser... I could put clothes in there.. but I can't get to it! In front of it are boxes of computer stuff that need a home. I"ve lived here since July, and haven't gotten a computer desk, so my scanner, my external hard drive, my CDs, etc, they don't have a home, nad they're still in boxes.

I am just a mess!

I wonder if even one of those professional organizer people could help me. All the storage options in the world don't do any good if I don't use them! Heck, I work in retail, I know how to hang up clothes, and yet, rarely do it! The good news, when I'm buying stuff now, I'm also bringing home the hangers, so there's a chance that I'll have enough for all the crap I'm buying. I really should clean things out and get rid of stuff.

I'm working.. I finally started sneezing, so I had to take a break. Good news is that I worked almost an hour straight, bad news, it still doesn't look like I've done a thing! I've still got some laundry to do, lots of garbage to take out, and things to hang up. And tha'ts just from my closet. Let's not even get into what my bedroom floor looks like!

Spiritual intervention

OK.

So I'm feeling a bit better. But it's been a long week or 2 and there are changes in the future.

Yesterday I had what can only really be described as a spiritual "intervention"

Lately, life has been crappy, and it's been a combination of a many things, but the most significant thing is the decline in my spiritual life. Period, plain and simple.. I know it, i knew it 2 weeks ago, but sometimes I don't know how to ask for help. Makes you kinda feel like a junky person when you realize you've sort of detoured on your Christian walk. What made it harder for me is that I didn't have people who knew me when I was stronger in my walk to know how far away I have gotten and know that I need to get back. In short, there's no accountibility.

So I've been quite depressed, and confused and annoyed and anxious and work's been bad, and it's just not been a pretty picture in my life. I finally called my aunt who lives here in town to talk to her about some of it... (I'm pretty sure I knew deep down that talking to her would bring me back around.) -- She, too, has a history of depression, and my dad talks to her about me, making sure I'm doing ok, up here on my own and stuff... with her help, we've found me a doctor to go to (that'll be Wed) and then this weekend, I went to church with her. I've been going the last few Sundays, last week in particular, dragging myself because i knew it was what I needed. And work was more manageable, especially on Sunday, but I got messed up on Monday, and well, that's not something I"m going to go into, because it'll take me to a place I don't need to be, in my own mind, so.. needless to say, my attitude got my hours cut this week.

Debbie called me on Friday... and wanted to offer me some words of encouragement and stuff, quite helpful, and then she said I should come with her on Sunday night to the Prayer Clinic that they've got at her church. She's part of a women's prayer group every Friday, and she wants me to come with her, but I keep having to work, and I'm also very hesitant. The whole corporate prayer and intercession and what not isn't something I'm very familiar with, and there are still parts of it that sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. at least right now.. and the more I think about it, the more I'm sure that's not me talking. So, when she asked me to go, I said yes, even tho it's something outside of my comfort zone, i know it'll be for the best.

When I got there, it was almost like going to a doctor, it cracked me up!! They hold it in one of the buildings on their "campus"-- it's actually a house that they bought right next door to the church. So a house, with only chairs and stuff in it, used mostly for Sunday school classes, and a recording studio (only in Nashvegas, people!) They had a table set up in the main room, and there was a questionaire to fill out, and you had to wait for an "appointment"

After forever, it's my turn. I had to wait, cause I wanted Debbie with me, and she was going in with her daughter first. My cousin is a sr in high school and trying to pick a college. The right one for her-- spiritually, educationally and financially. IT's a big deal! So, one of the people there, one of the prayer warriors is also a prophet. --- let that sink in -- yeah, i said it. He's a prophet. It's quite interesting. Fortunately I had heard my aunt and uncle talking about him in the past, so I wasn't completely taken unaware by him. Apparently he gets words from God about people and tells them. Debbie was really hoping he had something for me, and he did. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I go into the one room, the studio room- go figure, and there's a couch and several chairs.. but it's just me and Debbie and the prophet guy (Michael) and a woman, Karen. I didn't know what to expect.. honestly I just expected them to start praying over me.. don't know what, I guess I hadn't thought much about it... especially since I didn't fill out much on my questionaire as "My life sucks" didn't seem appropriate. I told them a bit about what's going on in my life, and Debbie really stressed how much I like music... and that I should go into the industry. (for the record, I'm still hesitant on this point. I like music and I like concerts, but they're my escape. I don't want the one place I can go to escape to be tainted by work-- but I'm trying to be open to whatever God has in store for me. And that said too, I certainly don't NOT want to work in the industry. I'm VERY conflicted on this point) So I mentioned how I'm not listening to Christian music all that much anymore.... if I listen to any music it's Clay, or just the radio. I've gotten frustrated with Christian radio lately.. it's just.. well, repetitive and limiting, it seems, at times. And Michael asked me some questions, specifically if I like Mercy Me... they're one of my trigger bands.. Not a thing against the guys in the band, or their ability or anything, but "I Can Only Imagine" is at the top of my list of songs that I *HAVE* to change the station if that song comes on. EVEN if i'm in the shower. The song is fine, i just got sick and tired of hearing it. And then he asked me how much time I'm spending reading my Bible each week.

*sigh*

not hard words, just truthful words. He had something to say about my time in the Bible and my ability to be "Frustrated" or rather, my belief that I have the right to be, when in reality, I have no such right. It was quite interesting. He is a man that KNOWS his Bible. not just quoting off verses, but a thorough understanding of what it all means and how it pertains to life.

He had to go (his wife is in the hospital, his son just lost his wife at 31 years old, and has 4 kids)

That left me and Debbie and Karen. We talked just a bit and then she prayed over me, for me. It's all quite fresh and emotional still. Not quite sure what to make of all of it, except these are the things I know. I know I need to read more. I need to pray more. I need to find a group of women close to my age to hold me accountible and to get me into a deeper study. These are all facts I need to face.

and then, the little things, the things that are almost more emotional than the rest of it was having her speak that there's someone out there for me.. a husband.. and children, and I have a spiritual legacy to leave. I don't know what to make of that. I've never known heartbreak, I've never loved anyone. But I'm at the point of my life now that it's hurting me to NOT love somebody, and not have that type of love in return. (3 types of love.. that's a subject for a whole 'nother blog... Spiritual-- unconditional-- agape love, and then familial, brotherly love, and then the sensual, "eros" love that a man has for a woman.) -- My relationship situation was not something we even discussed, so for her to bring it up, I just don't know what to make of it I think right now, I'm really "feeling my age" and being my age and in my situation (ie, never having been in a relationship, EVER) -- it feels like i'm "damaged goods" and what man would want some one like me. That's my low self-esteem talking.

So, I'm not sure where my life is going to be heading in the next few months. Karen said I should just listen to my Christian music for a while, praise music and what not, and I agree... she said "Clay Aiken's a super nice guy, but he's not singing Christian music" -- funny thing is when she said that, the only thing in my head I thought was "not yet" :-P But with that-- Tickets pre-sale starts tomorrow and I was going to have Elizabeth log in and get me some, since I was going to be at work. But I've decided that yes, I can still go to the show, but I don't need to get them RIGHT AWAY. There will still be decent tickets available when I get home from work. IF not, they go on sale on Friday, I'll be ok. This venue is small enough that the back of the room is still decent... I know that for a fact. And in fact, too close is bad, I know that too! lol

We'll see what God has in store for me!!