be careful what you say....

so, i was able to make it to church today, yay! (I had been out of town the previous two weekends, and I think something happened 3 weeks ago, but, yeah, not certain)

They were finishing up a series about family, and discussing family dynamics, and really the concentration was about what you say to other people. It really had even more to do with life and human interaction, than just within the family dynamic.

The one thing I really took away strongly was the discussion that you need to be careful what you say to others. The things you say, mostly in anger, that you don't really mean, can, and do, have profound impacts on those who it's directed to. Things like, 'I hate you' or "I want to just divorce you" or "you're such a stupid kid", you might be able to apologize and receive forgiveness for later on, but the words are still out there.. they still scar and leave an impact... they're rolling around in someone's head like crayons on the floorboard of your mom's minivan.

In the context of my family, I've been very fortunate to not have things like that said to me. At least, i've never had those horrifically hurtful things said.... but the one thing that my mother always said to me, and it's still coming back to me even today, just a few hours ago is, "you've got such a pretty face... if only.." and of course, the ending of that is "if only you'd just lose some weight" Now, of course, she didn't say that directly today.. but over the course of the last few days, she's really been focusing on weight loss... and she found some magazine article that has all thing stuff she's apparently never known, so she's trying to pass it all along to me. The very first time she even mentioned the article, she told me i needed to go out and buy the magazine, even if I didn't read it right now, it'd be good to have. I reminded her, i'd be flying back to town at the end of the week, and if she wanted to make me a copy or give me hers, i'd be more than willing to take it.

So, that brings us to today. In two different conversations today, she tried to tell me something from the article. The first time i listened, and then explained that yes, that was a great idea, but it really wasn't something I could follow to the letter, simply due to my lifestyle. IT was about not eating after 4pm. Um, HELLO! I'm up until usually 12 or 1 AM, and then I sleep until 8 or 9... if I didn't eat after 4pm, I'd have nearly 16 hours without eating.. more importantly 8 hours of being awake, doing work, and being forced to be conscious without a meal. I'm pretty sure that most people will tell you that isn't a great plan when trying to lose weight. I get the whole not eating close to bedtime thing.. and that i can follow.. so i digress. But then she brought it up again, something else from the article. I calmly tried to remind her that i'd be home to read it in just 5 days, and to let her move on. But then she was trying to get me to do something, either drink only water or cut out all sugar for the next few days b/c I'm going on a cruise. Ok.. I don't give a rat's ass about what I look like right now. I'm in the middle of a depression, and I don't have a job.... this cruise is a vacation, one that I'm still not 100% thrilled to be going on, but losing weight is so not my focus! But she started talking about if I might meet someone on the cruise, and it felt so much like when she's getting to that point, to that phrase.. that, "You have such a pretty face"...

I blew up. I threw some church on her. I told her that things like that were hurtful to me. That they float around in my head long after the comment has been made. It's something that's been in my head my whole life. It's always felt like I wasn't quite good enough for her, or for anyone else. I don't care if I have a pretty face. I want someone to like me beyond what I look like. If I'm fat, then who I am inside has to be good enough. I've seen far too many people get hurt by superfulous relationships.. I don't want that. I want one boyfriend, one fiance, one husband.. one best friend.. all wrapped up in one person.

*whoa*

that was so not where I was intending to go with this.

regardless.

I have enough crap of my own to deal with, i'm still not ready for a relationship. i want one, Lord knows I do. But I'm not ready. Or maybe I'm just afraid...... afraid? shoot. I didn't think that before. If I'm afraid, what is it that i'm afraid of? Love? I don't know. Of being hurt? I've been hurt by enough "friends" in my life, and I didn't even "love" them, that I can't imagine what the hurt would feel like if it was someone who I thought I "loved" Maybe that's part of my problem all along.

Who knows?

God does. I know that. I just have to trust in him.

And maybe I'm meant to be single my whole life.

i really don't want that.

9/19

9/19....

wow. So much, SO MUCH has happened in the last year, I just don't even know where to begin.

*I gave up on great music.

*I dropped a bunch of online friends.

*It feels like there was a death. And maybe there was. A death of innocence, a death of ideals. A definite loss of trust. I have to forgive and offer forgiveness to someone who I don't really know.

*and I got promoted to the best job in the freakin' world.. or at least in the greater Nashville area... and then I got fired.

There's so much more.. it's a bit overwhelming. maybe later.

skinny jeans for men

Attention Rock Stars:

Not all of you should be permitted to wear the "skinny jean" AKA, "girl jeans"

If you are not the equivalent of a women's size 0 or 2, there's a darn good chance, you're not the right size for these jeans. If you are over the age of 30, and not doing drugs, also, a good chance you should not be wearing these jeans.

I'm looking at you, Mr Lead Singer of that band I've liked so long!

You are certainly over 30. I'm fairly certain you're not doing drugs, and if you are, they're not the emaciating kind, and you definitely have a butt that doesn't allow you to wear the skinny jean! In fact, Mr Singer, I think you're shaped too much like a woman to actually wear "girl jeans"

They're called "girl jeans" for a reason. They're meant for girls. Like my 12 year old cousin. She's got no butt and no hips, and therefore, she can wear these jeans. However, if you're a woman, with all those womanly curves, these jeans are also not appropriate for you. Your waist and hips must be of the same size! Mr Singer, you, however, do not fit the bill. I'm sorry to break the news to you! I know that you, and your delightful band, try not to fit the whole "Nashvegas Rockstar" thing. Your music isn't quite it, and ya'll never really have dressed the part... but these jeans. SO.NOT.RIGHT!

IT's just a little public service announcement I felt like making. When you dudes have what I affectionately call a "bubble butt", you probably aren't right for the jeans. It's good, tho, that you're a nice guy, otherwise you might as well pair those jeans with an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

I'm just sayin'.

catching up AKA, all of Night of Joy

So I haven't been consistent over the last few days. But, in my defense, I've been traveling!

We went to Night of Joy on Saturday night and it was quite nice.
We didn't stay on property, which was alright, I guess, because all we did was sleep there. I still felt like something was missing. However, had we taken the bus from the hotel, we wouldn't have seen Bryan there (and his wife) and that was cool for mom.

We drove up, leaving a bit later than I intended, but earlier than the last minute. It gave me a few minutes to be able to stop in at the Black Market Mineral store at Old Town in Orlando. I finally found some of the beads I had been looking for since July.
They're ones I've had forever, and don't remember where I got them. I can't find them anyplace, and they had the same style, but in bracelet form. But since the bracelet was only 2.50, I bought all of them. It would have been the same, or cheaper, than buying them "loose" I was happy. Overall, oops, I spent too much. LOL. But they've got stuff there that I can't find any place else... at least that I know of at the moment!! Besides, I love that place. I found it the first time when we first started going to Night of Joy.. so the two are kinda intertwined for me.

We got in the park just before 6. That was a bit later than I would have liked, but still early enough that we got to catch most of the High School Musical3 street party show. :-D Yeah, I'm a dork like that. I was entertained!! Then we headed to Toy Story Mania... we got there at a good time, b/c it was just shutting down for regular guests, so the line wasn't too long... by too long I mean, about 3o minutes.

Because it was just me and mom, we took it easy the rest of the night. There wasn't too much that I "HAD" to do, and mom was just there for the fun. So we stopped at the coffee shop, sat down, chatted with some folks, got some water and cooled off. From there we went shopping.. .window shopping, cause, well, we don't NEED anything, and without my discount, even the cute things aren't cute enough to pay full price for! By the time we got down one side of the street and up the next, it was time to go see Mandisa. I knew i had to at least see a bit of her show...

We made it over to the Beauty and the Beast stage with just a few minutes to spare, which was nice. We didn't worry too much about seating, I had dad's camera, and we just wanted to see her perform a bit. I also had the telephoto, so that made things even easier! lol.. She did really well, I was happy we went. I wish we could have stayed for the entire thing, but we had to go b/c the line would be starting for Conversations with Jars of Clay.. and you know me.. ;-)

As we left the theater, the rain started just a bit. not too badly, just spitting here and there, but i know how it goes, so I opened up my umbrella. The drier I stay, the happier I stay. I can sweat enough as it is, if the rain drizzles on me, it just makes me more miserable!!!

We got over to what used to be the Hunchback of Notre Dame venue... it's since been enclosed and air conditioned, which is super awesome. We were early enough, tho that they weren't letting people inside yet. They did, however, move the line over to the covered part of the line for Muppets, so that was good. There might have been 20 people in front of us... iwasn't too concerned. Right about the time we got there, the NOJ twitter dude (john, I think) started his game of finding him for a prize. So I left mom in line. I knew exactly where he was, but a fat girl in the rain and heat ain't gonna run! Unfortunately some dude got there before me, but since I had told him my 18 year story already, he gave me a prize too, yay!! I got to pick a CD, and I went with Josh Wilson, who was gonna perform just after Jars' convo, so yeah, good choice for me!

Finally they let us in to the theater. We got "good" seats.. It wouldn't have mattered much anyways, as we all just sat there, but it was good, none the less. Out came the "hosts" or question moderators.. The disney folk in charge, and lo and behold, one of them was Mary!!
We love Mary! She did a few of these Q&As back in the day when they started.. I saw one with Jars and one with PlusOne. Plus she had been a host for Tarzan before they went with voiceovers, and she also hosted Millionaire. We LOOVE HER!! :0)

There were also two DJs from Z88.3 as well. I didn't know them. There were several people to ask questions, and I didn't think I had one, I mean, it's been so long, there's not much new I need to know, but then I came up with a good one, and went to stand in line.. And then, as the dude before me went to ask his question, they were like, "Ok, last question" :-( I tried to play the "But I came all the way from Tennessee" card with the guy, but he wouldn't have it. It *IS* Disney afterall, gotta stay on schedule.

After that, Josh Wilson came out. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't think I had heard him before, but turns out I have. He's good.. And talented. I liked his stuff and I was glad I was able to pick up his CD as well. God's lookin' out for me.. I didn't have to spend $10+ on it!

Once we were finished there, we still had some time to kill before Jars went on stage, so we stopped into Pizza Planet and got something to share. The good news is that the pizza quality has vastly improved since I ate there last. Now would be a good time to mention how much I dislike The Studios. It's never appealed to me very much, and I'm still never really certain as to why that is!! Sure, Rockin Rollercoaster is awesome, and i do love the Tower of Terror... but outside of that.. there's not a whole lot that I like. The new Lights, Motors, Action stunt show is pretty good, but it's at the back of the park, and on a time schedule in a huuuuuuuuuuuge venue. Me no likey! There's no food worth mentioning, except the Brown Derby, and that's hardly ever in my price range. The shopping isn't any good either. Oh, i guess Fantasmic is good and all, but again, impossible to get into. So, when they announced that NOJ was moving back to the Magic Kingdom, I was ecstatic!! It's just laid out better for shows, seriously!!

So, anyways, we got a snack and then, it was time to go! Go get to the stage, I mean!! there was like, 30 minutes before they were going on, and I had hoped I'd be able to get to the front, but when we got there, there were already about 6 rows worth of people there. Not too shabby, but I still like the front!! The good news is that this was the first of 2 shows. So, they came out, played, and life was glorious!! Except for the dumb kid in front of me with super long arms and an iPhone. He'd hold his phone up there for like the entire song, but take only 1 picture!! Made it REALLY hard for me. But whatever..

First set done, people leave, YAY! so I was able to move up right to the the railing at the front of the stage. The one GOOD thing about (and only good thing) is that the stage here is much, much shorter than the Castle stage at MK. OH, they were playing front of Mickey's hat. Not the main stage at Studios.. that was out at Lights, Motors, Action... yeesh.. I can't imagine!!

I'm at the rail, yay.. So we finally get things settled in and there's a few minutes before the next set starts, and I look around and the guy behind me was one of the dudes who asked a question during the show, so I ask him what he ws asking about (cause I forgot) and we started talking, and that was kinda awesome.
I'll admit, I haven't been around the Jars World much lately.. or much at all, since 2000-ish.. I know the defining moment back then. It was choosing to go out west to Seattle for that +1/PC run of three shows instead of JOC at House of Blues. And from the boyband thing, it led into AI, and CA, and from 2003 until this time last year... and then work's been taking up any other time, and of course, living where the music is made means you don't get to see any live, and most of the radio doesn't care either!!

His name was John and his son was with him, so we talked Jar stuff, and surprisingly enough, neither of us had pens, so I just gave him my jars email, which is super easy to remember, so he could email me about some old songs that aren't available anymore.. I like being able to do that.

2nd show was better than the first, IMHO... Although, it looked as if they were having some mic probs with the drumkit, but i didn't notice. I have theories, but I shall keep them to myself on the awesomeness that was the 2nd show, cause anything I say makes me look crazy! :-)

They finished up, I went to find mom, and then get a pen from her, to get info from John, but by the time we went back, he seemed to be gone.. turns out he went and found Dan and got his pic taken, which was awesome for him, cause he hasn't ever met them before.

So, that was NOJ... I headed back on the road on Sunday.. Stayed overnight in Macon, watched the VMAs.. (Don't get me started!) and then Monday back on the road. I was about 30 miles outside of Murfreesboro, when my phone rang with an unknown number. I answered it and it turned out to be someone from a job I expressed interest in online thursday night! YAY! I talked with her, and then set up an interview! that's going to be TODAY!! I'm excited. It's something I think I could like doing, and it has travel with it. We'll see.. I'll post more as i know more!

well. it's been a few days. I've been home at my parent's house, and not using my lap top as much, just because it's crazy to lug it around, and there's no place for me to set it, but the dining room table. No excuses, really.. i gotta get out of that excuse mindset. it's what lost me my job.

speaking of losing my job. when that happened, i scrapped any and all plans to head to orlando to see Jars of Clay at Disney's Night of Joy. It wasn't going to fit into my budget, and i just couldn't do it, and i hoped i had found a job by then. Then, about a month ago, I got an email telling me they booked a show in town. YAY! And, at the church I was attending slightly regularly during the week for a young adult service. WOOT.. and cheap, too! So I bought tickets. It was even better because it was for this Monday (NOJ is Saturday, so I could be sad a bit on Sat, but know that Monday, I'd get to see the show)

fast forward to this afternoon. I logged on to facebook and got a notification that some guy had "cancelled" jars of clay show... i was mighty confused.. i checked the church website, to see anything, and several other places.. and then I got a tweet from @jarsofclay that said it had, in fact been cancelled. I almost cried. But then I called mom and told her what happened and she basically said, let's go! I know she loves Disney as much as i do, and she knows how much NOJ means to me, so we're going. Dad even got on board for it a bit, but he won't let me stay on property. :-(

The only really bad part of it is that I don't get to go west to see BiFF, but I think she wasn't expecting me at this point, b/c i'm going over Friday before the cruise.

I'm just happy to see Jars.. only mildly miffed at the recent venue change for NOJ.. it's at the Studios now, instead of Magic Kingdom.. And I wish Newsboys were playing Sat instead of Friday.. I haven't seen them with Michael Tait as lead, and I want to, but yeah, you live. No one else is really playing that i like.. Mandissa will be there, and I'll stop in, but i think it conflicts with Jars' conversations.. We'll see.. I'm there to have fun and hang out with mom.

back in the house i grew up in

I'm back home. In my hometown, in the bedroom i grew up in. It's kinda wierd.

This is the first time I'll be home for more than an extended weekend. Not much longer, but still. I'm beyond glad I brought my laptop with me, my mom's computer is a piece of work! I'm sure I'll get into that later this week. lol

My brother has taken to removing the hair from his arms and legs.. he used Nair once, and I'm not sure what he's doing now. he's admitted that part of it is because of the girl he was seeing, but he won't tell me what else... and he says he's going to keep doing it. I think it looks stupid, he's not overly hairy in the first place, and he's not maintaining it, either, so he's got hair that's like 1cm long right now.. um, GROSS! lol.

lots for me to blog about this week, but I'm kinda exhausted at the moment.

on the road again...

I'm out on the road! YAY!

But not in the way I would prefer, but that's all good and all up to God.

I am traveling with my dad, to go down home, to pick up my new car. YAY! I haven't driven south of Chattanooga in more than 3 years. I haven't been down to my parent's house, my 'hometown' for more than 3 days at a time since I moved out of the state. (more than 3 years ago) I'll get down there tomorrow (monday) and then get to hang out there until Friday, when I know for sure I'll drive west a bit to go see my BiFF and her two adorable kids. and then from there, drive north and east again, to stop for my pilgramage and shopping. Didn't bring the silver, because that would have tempted me to try it, and that ain't gonna happen.. probably wouldn't work and might open a can of worms i'm not ready for.

i love driving. i love being out on the road. I really do. I wouldn't mind making it a career. Are you listenging God? I know you have plans for me... I'd like this to be included. If not, I'm not sad. I promise.

alright. done.

most of the chores are done. and it's only 2:20 am! Boo.

obviously I'm someone who likes to wait until the last minute, as well as being a night owl. I was fully awake most of today, and could have done it, but I ended up clearing things off the DVR today. I"m just saying.

Is he even going to care? I'm the oldest grandchild and the only granddaughter.. what's it really matter? ;-)

Can't sleep

i can't sleep tonight.

I still have a million things to do, but that's not what's keeping me awake.

I'm having one of those nights where 1- I don't want to sleep and 2- I don't know that I feel like I am who I am supposed to be.

i don't know who i'm supposed to be. i'm 31, living alone, never dated anyone, ever, and i don't have a clue in the world as to what i'm supposed to do with my life... or for that matter, WHAT i want to do.

stream of consciousness.
love hate misery compassion. why does it feel like there's not any compassion in the world. at least not for me. yes i know there are starving kids everywhere,
in need. but sometimes an emotional need is just as important as a physical one.

sometimes i feel like there isn't anyone to feed my emotional needs. i have very few people in my life that i see in person on a regular basis, and now i can't even stop crying.

this is supposed to be a stream of consciousness and sometimes that's harder to do typing that it is writing things out. it's also really hard to do when i can't stop crying.

all i want is to be loved. to be shown some affection. I know God loves me.. my parents.. my family.. and i'm sure some friends do, but the friends don't live here. i've lived here in this area for three years and I don't have friends that i see on a regular basis.. i don't even have friends that i really have that i see on a semi regular basis.

there was the roommate, but i don't think i'd call her a friend. i mean, if i needed something, i'm sure i could count on her, and i'd do things for her, but at this point, we're just going off in two separate directions in life. she kept saying that things didn't matter, but the way she lives her life, that doesn't match up. sometimes i feel like she's involved in these things as a way to fit into something, and to be part of something, rather than what she could be getting out of it.

now that i don't have the work thing, well, there's no one from there who contacts me anymore. there's a few people i'm still in touch with, via facebook, but that's not the same thing.

so that's just part of what's rattling around my head. i got distracted after that. i really should sleep.

WOOT!

so the woot is a hooray for another straight day of blogging! I forsee a bit of a problem, as I'm hitting the road on Sunday and Monday to go to the parental unit's house, 14 hrs away. Don't know what access I'll have until I get there.. but we'll see.. And being down there usually causes me to have the need to express many, many, MANY emotions, but we'll get into that later!

AND, a woot for getting my hair back to a blondish color. It's actually a bit lighter than I would have ideally wanted, but after the disaster on Tuesday, I wasn't about to say anything else. Of course, hindsight is now 20/20... As I had to expedite my passport, I COULD have waited until today to get the picture taken and everything turned in and still gotten it in time for my cruise, but I didn't know that then.. so now my passport isn't 100% truthful again! Says i've got brown hair and the picture of me, it almost looks chocolate brown.. now my hair is a sure fire summer beach blond!! lol.. Yeah.. well, we'll see what happens. I won't use that for documention much anyways, so, yeah, it's all good. however, my hair is good enough now that I can go get my license. ;-)

The next day!

Hey! look at me! I'm doing good!! 21 days to make a habit, right?? Or is that to break a habit? 7 to make one? Heck, I have no idea. I'll shoot for 21, it's longer.

So I got to thinking today. I'm TERRIBLE about procrastinating!! Seriously! I always have been. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I feel the need to be pressured to do something. That would be why in college I was up until 4 am writing my paper on the Canonization of the Old Testament. Good times.

And.. I'm a slob. It's true. I'm not organized, I don't really care so much about things being in their "proper" place. If there's a stack of clothes out on the couch.. I know which ones are out there and I wanted to wear them, I'd go out there to find them. Yeah, sometimes it's bothersome, but not most of the time

So that brings us to this week. On Sunday my dad and grandfather are coming up here. Dad's been here a billion times or whatever and he's seen my house in every state it can be. Grandpa, however, not so much. He's never been here *AND* he doesn't understand clutter. I have a thing with clutter.. I collect stuff.. SO, I need to stash things. And I've known they were coming for like, a month or more... but yeah, I'm waiting until the last minute to do things. Oh yeah, and what am I doing instead of working, sitting here blogging. And tomorrow I'm going to get my highlights redone, and need to get an oil change..

Oy.. sometimes I wish I wasn't me. But I also love who I am, so, I guess I'm ok with that.

day 2

YAY! I set out yesterday with a goal to blog at least once a day. So far I'm 100%!!

Spent the day dealing with getting my passport taken care of. Most of the day was a bunch of "if only!"

"if only I had found my passport several months ago and set out getting it renewed, I could have done it by mail... but alas, it had to be issued within 15 years and it was issued in june of 1994... DOH!"

"If only I had gotten my pictures done yesterday, my hair wouldn't be so dark!"

"if only everyone knew what they were doing!!!"

I decided to go down south of where I live to get the stuff taken care of... That was an adventure.

My picture from Walgreens turned out horrible!! They've got this 4 ft long white screen to take pictures in front of, and yet, I had to sit in a chair.. and the chair didn't allow me to sit up straight so the picture is horrific!! The worst part is the dude taking the picture was like 16, so he didn't care. had I known I would have taken the pic myself at home and used the template they have there.. totally could have done it.. grrr

When I got to the post office, the lady informed me I really DID need my passport to go on the cruise.. and that it would need to be expedited so I could get my birth certificate back as well.. I'd need at least one of those to go.. when all is said and done, having my old passport was enough and i kept my birth certificate.. but by that time everything is paid for and done.. i so wasn't going to fight that battle.

argh.

Friday i go to get my hair fixed.. lightened up a bit.. and if all looks fine, then I'll go and get a new driver's license as well.. yeah, i've only lived here 3+ years... oops. ;-) I guess I'm staying, so i might as well.

Everyday?

I became inspired today to take up a challenge. That challenge is to blog every.single.day.

It's not like I've got anything to say, but since I don't have a job, there isn't the excuse of not having time.

If I can become consistent, then perhaps I can learn something more about myself this way.

Today's the day.