grieving

i'm grieving. still.

it's been more than 3 months now, and I'm still grieving.

I didn't realize it until a few minutes ago.

Oh, wait, what am I grieving? The loss of my job.

Yeah, sure, I've found a new one, and I kinda like it. But it's not the work that I'm upset about, it was the company. Have I mentioned this before? I was working at the Disney Store. I was fired. I got fired for no real reason. Of course, there was an official reason.. that being that I wasn't doing my job. But it was impossible to do my job when I didn't have a direct supervisor. I was doing the store manager's job as well as mine.

so yeah. I miss that. I miss working for Disney. I miss the kids every day. I miss the happiness, the joy, the magic. It's all ... gone? It's not that I can't have joy and happiness, and even magic every day, but it's just not the same.

i got the job because i missed the parks. i miss the parks because i moved. i got to see them every single day and that was enough. i got to help people plan their vacations, i got to hear about them when they came home. i had a family. i had a family of cast members who i treasured and i even had a family of regular guests.

my heart just hurts. i don't want to move back to florida just for that. i like it too much up here, but i don't know how to "fix" this.

I'm down.

really, really, down.

i don't know exactly what triggered it, well, that's not true.

i don't feel like i'm fitting in at my new job.... not that there's a lot to fit into, but my trainer most probably doesn't like me. i didn't go out on the town with the other people this week, b/c they only went "out" one night and it was to that nasty bar downtown. the rest of the time they did stuff in the motel room.. and when we're on location here in town, i'm NOT staying out when I can sleep in my own bed, that's for sure.

so it feels like none of them like me. i know that i can't be myself around them, yet.

and then other stuff happened. i got forgot about. by family. but it only drove home the point that they're not my nuclear family. or rather, i'm not a part of theirs. and it happened a couple of times.

i know i shouldn't take it personally. but that's the kind of thing that i do. especially when things are rough in other parts of my life.

i'm not suicidal in the way that means I would actually do something about it, but i certainly have those feelings that say "gosh, no one would even miss me when I'm gone. there's no one who even counts on me"

it's a really, really crappy feeling, and I don't like it at all.

i don't want to have to lose weight for people to find me attractive, or worthy of their friendship. i like who i am, for the most part.. i don't want to have to change just to fit in for someone else. why can't anyone seem to love me for me? I've always felt like I could put forth the effort, if at least it felt like there was someone worth putting forth the effort for.

everyone else is busy with their own lives... or moving on. I'm afraid of the one relationship, that we're drifting apart.. that the one thing that brought us together isn't keeping us together anymore. i'm not into that thing anymore. I'm afraid to read what she has to say on the subject b/c it could change things even more. Who knew the thing that brought us together would eventually become a pivotal point of something we're so not the same on.

i don't know why i bother talking in code. it's not like anyone ever reads this anyways.