Surviving

Do you ever get to that point in your life where you feel like you're just trying to survive?

I'm there.

I don't have any answers. this isn't going to be some radically spiritual concept. I have no answers at all. i mean, from a personal perspective.

There's just a lot of stuff floating around in my head right now and i just want to try to sort it all out.

1- watching movies like The Sound of Music are bad for my mental health. However, I'd say any movie that isn't a horror movie is going to be bad for me. Any movie with any sort of relationship story line is going to suck. I get horribly swept up in these things and then wish that I had something like that, and then spend the rest of the evening crying over what i don't have.

-- things i don't have mean things like, well, a relationship of some sort of significance beyond friendship with a member of the opposite sex. How's that for loosely describing my yearning for a boyfriend? What do i know? nothing.

we're heading into the new year, into 2009-- and that only means it's time for my birthday countdown to begin. as the birthday countdown begins, I always begin to feel sorry for myself and pathetic that i'm turning one year older and yet another year begins without a boyfriend. no boyfriend means another year that i won't be getting married. A woman gets to 30 and hopes to have at least one significant relationship in her life, and alas, i have nothing.

it's not that i'm feeling sorry for myself... at this point, i'm just asking WHY? or rather, why NOT? Why haven't I? What's wrong with me?

i have so much to be grateful for, but sometimes i get really wrapped up in me. and i do feel bad about that.

now i'm even more confused than when i started... oh. i'm just done. for now.

Retail Madness

Over the course of the last week, I've spent more time in the mall than I care to think about. Sure, it's really only been the same 40hrs i put in every week, give or take a few more (working off the clock) -- But it seems like so much longer.

Some people like the madness. Some people think that the busier we are, the faster things go. But for me, it's like overload! I have a tendency to multitask as it is, so when things get really busy, I should be focusing on just what I'm doing, but I always need to know what everyone else is doing, all the while scanning the crowds to make sure no one is suspicious or no one is famous. LOL. We get a little bit of both!

But today, the thing I think that struck me the most is the fact that people are put off by us asking for an ID when you use a credit or debit card. Generally we only ask when the card isn't signed, or if it says Robert and clearly it looks like a Roberta. But, as we get into this time when people are shopping a whole lot, it's also the time that people get scammed the most, both us as retailers, and everyone else as consumers.. stolen cards and what not.

So, we're asking every single person. most people are more than willing to show an ID, and most go, "Thank you! You're the only person today who has asked" Sometimes they grumble a bit... but the ones that floor me are the ones who think it's some huge deal and get angry about it.

Then, the best are the ones who we do ask, and they have no problem showing me their ID, but the names aren't the same. Now I'm not talking about like where one card says Catherine the other says Cathy... or it's Mary Elizabeth on one, just Elizabeth on the other.. No, this is where the credit card says Catherine, the ID says Mary! Sure, they've got the same last name, but clearly, they're not the same person. What the hell do you think I was asking for your ID for, if I wasn't going to check the names? Do you think I just wanted to see a bad picture of you?

Sure, you may have authorization from that person to use their card, but how on earth are we to know that? You may even have permission from the bank. But that brings me to another point. In this day and age of credit scams and identity theft why would a bank still do that? Why would they issue two cards in Joe's name, and let Joe carry one and let Mary carry the other? Yes, Mary is authorized, by the bank and by Joe to use it, but how are we supposed to know? Why not just issue the card in Mary's name? I have a credit card in my name, but the account is really my dad's. It's not that hard.

We've been screwed before. Let's say the guest's name was um, Jane Doe. And Jane came in and had a card that only said John Doe... we checked her ID and everything, and yes, she had the same last name, so we let her use it. We get a call several days later from John's lawyer... turns out the Doe's are in the middle of a bitter divorce and Jane stole John's card and ran up the charges. We're liable... that's just the way it is... I don't care who's name is on the card, if your face and your name aren't there, you can't use it. PERIOD!

just my little rant for the night.

afraid of God's will

I think I'm afraid of God's will for my life.. I think i'm afraid of the plans He has in store for me.

is that crazy irrational? or something more?

I'm sure there are several folks who would tell me it's something more... a spiritual warfare type thing going on.

and when you get into a topic like that, I get to wondering. Some people have said that you're only going to get attacked if God has big things in store for you. But I think others believe that no matter what, whether big or small, you can get attacked. I'm afraid of the big things. I'm afraid of being responsible I'm afraid of affecting people's lives. That's why I don't want to be a teacher. I'm afraid of that enormous responsibility. I don't want to screw up someone else's life.

what the heck is wrong with me? I need to seriously keep this job (keep the store open) and keep my benefits and get into some sort of counselling.

getting over him

I'm trying to get over him. "him" being that singer guy.

the first straw, and now what is going to be the last straw was that show in orlando. I should have never gone in the first place.

I have to go back and retrace steps... I was going in the right direction, but chose poorly.... the intent was always for good... but like the dude said on the radio last night, the pursuit of pleasure can cause you to go to sleep spiritually. I was on verge of being wide awake but my pursuit of pleasure moved me off course. I thought I was doing well, and I'm certainly not doing badly, but I'm also not making any positive progess.

Back during my "intervention" == I was told to stop listening to what I was listening to and put on some good praise music, some good Christian stuff... and I did, for some time- but I went back to that guy. Why? Well, in my head I thought he had the potential to sing that kind of stuff too. I don't think that anymore.

I'm stuck. I believe that the choices he has made, the lifestyle he has chosen to live is wrong. Is sinful. It's not about who he's attracted to, it's how he's choosing to live out that desire in his life. For me-- I can't listen to his music, because music has a really direct link to spirituality for me. I get fed a lot through music. i thought that he could be a part of that. I'm sure God can use him however He sees fit, but I'm not sure at this time, that's possible for me. In the past it most certainly was. But now, now that I know what I know, it's difficult for me. It's like that verse about not eating meat or drinking wine or doing whatever because it would cause someone else to stumble. It may be ok for one person, but if it's causing someone else problems, then maybe it's not the best for you right now. That's not exactly the same thing, I understand.... It's almost opposite.

I also have to forgive him for his betrayal. My friend in all of this says she doesn't understand that. How he could have possibly betrayed me.. cause i don't even know him. However, I was lead to believe several things about him, either by lying or by leaving things out, and when the truth was revealed I felt betrayed. period. That's how i feel. And now, I have to sort things out in my own head and forgive him for that.

it'll take a while. and i'm not sure what is going to happen between her and I through all of this. I hate to think she's just a friend for a season... we'll see how we weather this storm.

been a while

it's been a while since I wrote last.

lots of stuff has happened...

i should make this quite regular.

i'm down to one retail job. i'm the assistant manager. there's another one, but her days are numbered. at least that's what i'm told.

i'm afraid that our days are numbered as well. we were on a list to close in january, but we've got a reprieve... for a short time at least. we are supposed to make our Comp numbers, but it really isn't just happening at all. the other ASM isn't helping matters at all. it's really stressing me out a bit.

The promotion has been a good thing for me. I've got benefits now, i'm working 40 hrs, i got a raise, and of course, I got the coveted silver pass! yay! This means Daddy is ok with planning a trip to DLR. I'm just afraid of closing. and the fact that we don't have our IDs yet.

so much to think about.