depression and love

I'm feeling a bit down again.


I spent part of last week with a super good friend. She understands me better than most. She's my best Clay friend, that's for sure.. so with her, I don't have to edit myself, withhold any comments. I can be stupid and random, and it feels good. Besides, she doesn't look down on me because of my musical tastes. It sucks that I love the voice of a man who can sing circles around most "artists" today, but gets NO respect in the media. Besides that, he makes me happy. He sings pretty and says goofy things. He's one of my "happy places"... and I have to keep him hidden.


But that's not the point.


My aunt. I love her dearly and she is such an encouragement to me. But. This last weekend, my other cousin came down for the weekend. She's my aunt's favorite... my aunt tells it as she's her surrogate mother, and this is true. BUT. I don't get along well with my cousin. Aunt was supposed to call me this weekend to let me know what was going on, to be a part of whatever, but i never heard from her.


When people say they're going to call me, especially to go and do something, and they don't, I take it *really* personally. I makes me a bit depressed. She called today, and let me know what was going on this week... but I've got to work my tail off and don't even have time to hang out with her. Also depressing me.


The other thing is this. When we went out last weekend, to Fridays... and the guy was flirting with all of us... it makes me long for that. It makes me long for the attention of someone of the opposite sex. I don't want ALL guys to pay attention to me, not like that. But I just want ONE guy. That one special guy. I want to be "in love". I want to be in a relationship. Heck. At this point in my life, I want to be married. But there is REALLY nothing on that front in my life. at all. I want someone to snuggle with. Iwant someone to hold me in his arms for .. well.. forever.


So. That's where my head is right now. A bit discombobulated, but.. I dunno.

so. lots of stuff to discuss.


first. the garbage standoff is over. I went away this week and when I came home, all the garbage was finally out. ThankyouJesus! It had gotten to a passive agressive type place for me. I was NOT going to do anything about the growing mound because it was not my fault. If I take garbage out of the can, I will, within a reasonable amount of time, take the bag to the dumpster. However, RoommateDawn (RD) took the bag out, tied it up and left it. For over two weeks. yeah, it started to stink a bit. Fortunately it was a big bag in a little can and got tied up good and tight. Then the bag in the can got full and we just shut the lid on the can and left it.. and then things just piled up in random bags nearby. Me personally, I kept my garbage to a minimum, or if there was a lot, say from takeout or something, I'd bag it up myself and take it to the dumpster. Can't say I wasn't doing ANYTHING! I don't know if she got fed up or RoommateVickieLynn (RVL) did. RVL did all the dishes that were also piling up. Yeah, I contributed to that mess a bit. But that wasn't the same as the garbage.


RD has been home more. That's because her boyfriend's dad was in the hospital that's nearer to here than to his house. And they were there everyday until hours were done, and then they came back here. His dad got sick from the Peanut Butter Samonella and went into the hospital and they discovered tumors and then cancer. And they did some surgery, and they got the first part they found, but then it got into his lymphnodes and they gave him 1-5 years, probably close to the 1 year mark... and the family was really struggling to deal with that news... And then he started having heart problems again (A history of heart issues, already a quadruple bipass) and they moved him to cardiac ICU and then they got a bit better and then *WHAM* he died yesterday. Turns out there was a clot that was the result of trying to get some of the tumors out, and that got into his heart, or something. It's just crazy. To think that a month ago his dad had just had a stomach bug that he couldn't shake that ended up being samonella, and then this.. He's the oldest, and the only boy. I really feel for him. RD is the roommate who's grandmother passed this year as well.


on a different note.


Girls from work and I went to Friday's last night after we closed. Yesterday was crazy. We came in at 4, and the clothes were piled so high, it looked like *I* was living there! Seems there were only 2 people working until 1:30 and then no one until 3... which means, with breaks and everything, there wasn't anyone to get things backed up and put away until we got there at 4. Talk about bad management. This company is screwed up. At the moment, we (our store) does not have a district manager. This means the other stores in the area do not either. This is a VERY bad thing. My manager talks on the phone to the other store manager ALL THE TIME.. and not just about work. definitely very social phone calls. And to top that off, the other store manager is getting POWER HUNGRY! We had an awesome woman training in our store since November who was going to be the manager for the brand new store they were opening. The short version of the story is that she's now gotten massively screwed over. They've told her that she's not going to be the manager, and in addition, she's only going to be a relief key holder. That means she's a step lower than an assistant manager! SUCK! It's not good at all, and people wonder why I don't try harder to move into a management position. Just ain't gonna happen. I don't want it. not from this company.


So the girls and I go to Friday's. 'Course, it's St Patrick's day, so everyone is in a festive mood. But we lucked out because we got a super cool waiter guy. He was super flirty, and it didn't help matters that the other girls were too. IT was just me and 2 others. One girl-- JFCH-- is just 21, and the other, PFO, is old enough to be her mom! lol.. But she's cool, and swears like a sailor! She's also newly transplanted here, so she and I have a lot in common! ANYWAYS. PFO wanted JFCH to hook up with our waiter.. it was pretty funny. He called JFCH "babe" and he called me "sweetie" and I don't know what he called PFO.... But he did take a picture with her with these deelyboppers on her head and kissed her on the cheek for her pic.. lol... she sent it to her daughter on her phone.... He gave us his myspace and told us about his band. He said I had a great imagination, but whatever.. 'cause this is the point. At the end of the night, he made a point to shake hands with all of us... in the good kind.. the take your hand and grasp it nicely, and cover it with the other hand type shake.. but then after we paid our bill and just sat and chilled a while, he came back, found out what PFO's daughter had to say.. laughed.. looked a picture of the daughter... then he hugged PFO (A big front on hug) -- and then hugged JFCH.. but more of the side kind of hug.. and then me.. I got nothing. I was confused. Of course, last night, I played the prude. Not by choice, but because in relation to those two, I was!! lol.. I would have liked a hug. The good part about going out with the girls from work is that I'm not the Fat Friend. But that last night just still left me thinking. I'm sure it was just because they were onthe outside of the table, and I was on the inside. Whatever.

depression is bad.

I'm getting depressed again.

Not that "oh, i'm so depressed because [college team of your choice] lost to [biggest rival]", but the serious depression that caused me to fail college classes and spend the entire day in bed.
The kind of depression that will let me sleep for days and not eat a thing, and then the next day eat like a crazy woman and stay up until 5 am. It's not a good thing.

I have medicine for it. And the medicine works. But at the same time, the meds only work if I take them. ANd I've stopped. A close friend asked me tonight why, and I have no real good reason. I just have. I think part of it is because I know when I run out of this 3 month supply, I have none left, and when I have none left, I have to go to a doctor, and in order to GO to a doctor, I have to FIND a doctor. That's my biggest problem. Dad gave me lists... I have to call. I don't like calling. I still don't like admitting that i have a problem.

My roommate just called to see how I was doing. that's nice. it doesn't make things better. but. nice.

Things are very passive aggressive here, that's not making life any easier.

I'll talk about that later.