I relate to CONAN!?!?!

Upfront and for real.. I have no love for Conan O'Brien.

I remember the first time I watched his show in it's entirety... it was the beginning of September 1996, the night before I left for college, while packing up all my crap (i'm a procrastinator) and watching Jars of Clay (cause I love them. ;-))

and I watched him some through college, but then it got really lame, quite repetitive, and just not my cup of tea.. and then he said and did some things that made me really angry, but that's neither here nor there.

I think I can relate to him in this whole job thing. He's waiting to be fired.. he knows it's coming, he knows they're kicking him out, and it's just a waiting game. I felt the same way last summer. I was hoping my boss would get the can before I did, but alas, that didn't happen.

Seems like he's kinda the same way.

But as similar as things are, it's still different. At no point did I ever hate the company I was working for. I never, EVER, wanted to say bad things about them. Maybe my direct supervisor, my district manager, sure.. but she wasn't really a true representative of the company as a whole. He, i'm not so sure is in the same boat.

He's going to get paid to leave.. he's going to get money taken away if he says bad things about them. As for me, I would have taken a pay cut to stay and never in a million years would dream of saying bad things about that company. In fact, I still recommend them to people on a nearly daily basis... I frequent, as often as possible, another branch of the company, that isn't the one i directly worked for.

wait a minute.. there's not a lot the same at all...


except that getting fired sucks, no matter what.

He's still a bit of a jackass, and I can't watch him much anyways..

how could you understand?

my dad was here this weekend.

during that time, I had a minor breakdown. It all seemed to stem from the fact that my computer isn't working, but I know it's so much more than that. I know myself well enough to know that deep down it's more about how lonely I am than anything else. That I'm lonely, that I don't have any friends. It's just not good at all.

you might wonder how i get from a junked up computer to not having any friends, but it's a quick jump, really. So many different paths to get there, too. the first would be, i have few friends, therefore less to do, therefore more time to spend on the computer, hence a broken system is bad. Or, I have few friends, fewer people i even know, and no one to recommend someone to help fix the computer.

once I get to the lonely part, the breakdown is inevitable. i've gone there nearly my entire life. or at the very least, since middle school. the only time in my life when this didn't happen was college, a nice 2-3 year span. it wasn't even the entire time, because while i had friends, I also got slammed with depression, and where I was, breakdowns were a part of daily life. different triggers, breakdowns just the same.

i don't know if i actually called myself a loser this weekend, but there was so much crying and bawling and just spurting of words, it's hard to know. but at some point, nearly out of the blue, dad said something like, "you're not a loser, you're not" but really.. how could he ever know?

i don't have any friends. not here at least. no one but family members have ever been at my house. ever. even the person i used to live with doesn't call or contact me on a regular basis. the last few times i've talked or texted her, it's been at my initiation.. even at church, I go up and say hi to her. she wouldn't even wave at me first. But that's not entirely unexpected. after living with her for a while, i saw her for who she really was.

my new job isn't even conducive for making friends and that I think, is the hardest thing. i've got to find something new. something better. something for me.

grieving

i'm grieving. still.

it's been more than 3 months now, and I'm still grieving.

I didn't realize it until a few minutes ago.

Oh, wait, what am I grieving? The loss of my job.

Yeah, sure, I've found a new one, and I kinda like it. But it's not the work that I'm upset about, it was the company. Have I mentioned this before? I was working at the Disney Store. I was fired. I got fired for no real reason. Of course, there was an official reason.. that being that I wasn't doing my job. But it was impossible to do my job when I didn't have a direct supervisor. I was doing the store manager's job as well as mine.

so yeah. I miss that. I miss working for Disney. I miss the kids every day. I miss the happiness, the joy, the magic. It's all ... gone? It's not that I can't have joy and happiness, and even magic every day, but it's just not the same.

i got the job because i missed the parks. i miss the parks because i moved. i got to see them every single day and that was enough. i got to help people plan their vacations, i got to hear about them when they came home. i had a family. i had a family of cast members who i treasured and i even had a family of regular guests.

my heart just hurts. i don't want to move back to florida just for that. i like it too much up here, but i don't know how to "fix" this.

I'm down.

really, really, down.

i don't know exactly what triggered it, well, that's not true.

i don't feel like i'm fitting in at my new job.... not that there's a lot to fit into, but my trainer most probably doesn't like me. i didn't go out on the town with the other people this week, b/c they only went "out" one night and it was to that nasty bar downtown. the rest of the time they did stuff in the motel room.. and when we're on location here in town, i'm NOT staying out when I can sleep in my own bed, that's for sure.

so it feels like none of them like me. i know that i can't be myself around them, yet.

and then other stuff happened. i got forgot about. by family. but it only drove home the point that they're not my nuclear family. or rather, i'm not a part of theirs. and it happened a couple of times.

i know i shouldn't take it personally. but that's the kind of thing that i do. especially when things are rough in other parts of my life.

i'm not suicidal in the way that means I would actually do something about it, but i certainly have those feelings that say "gosh, no one would even miss me when I'm gone. there's no one who even counts on me"

it's a really, really crappy feeling, and I don't like it at all.

i don't want to have to lose weight for people to find me attractive, or worthy of their friendship. i like who i am, for the most part.. i don't want to have to change just to fit in for someone else. why can't anyone seem to love me for me? I've always felt like I could put forth the effort, if at least it felt like there was someone worth putting forth the effort for.

everyone else is busy with their own lives... or moving on. I'm afraid of the one relationship, that we're drifting apart.. that the one thing that brought us together isn't keeping us together anymore. i'm not into that thing anymore. I'm afraid to read what she has to say on the subject b/c it could change things even more. Who knew the thing that brought us together would eventually become a pivotal point of something we're so not the same on.

i don't know why i bother talking in code. it's not like anyone ever reads this anyways.

be careful what you say....

so, i was able to make it to church today, yay! (I had been out of town the previous two weekends, and I think something happened 3 weeks ago, but, yeah, not certain)

They were finishing up a series about family, and discussing family dynamics, and really the concentration was about what you say to other people. It really had even more to do with life and human interaction, than just within the family dynamic.

The one thing I really took away strongly was the discussion that you need to be careful what you say to others. The things you say, mostly in anger, that you don't really mean, can, and do, have profound impacts on those who it's directed to. Things like, 'I hate you' or "I want to just divorce you" or "you're such a stupid kid", you might be able to apologize and receive forgiveness for later on, but the words are still out there.. they still scar and leave an impact... they're rolling around in someone's head like crayons on the floorboard of your mom's minivan.

In the context of my family, I've been very fortunate to not have things like that said to me. At least, i've never had those horrifically hurtful things said.... but the one thing that my mother always said to me, and it's still coming back to me even today, just a few hours ago is, "you've got such a pretty face... if only.." and of course, the ending of that is "if only you'd just lose some weight" Now, of course, she didn't say that directly today.. but over the course of the last few days, she's really been focusing on weight loss... and she found some magazine article that has all thing stuff she's apparently never known, so she's trying to pass it all along to me. The very first time she even mentioned the article, she told me i needed to go out and buy the magazine, even if I didn't read it right now, it'd be good to have. I reminded her, i'd be flying back to town at the end of the week, and if she wanted to make me a copy or give me hers, i'd be more than willing to take it.

So, that brings us to today. In two different conversations today, she tried to tell me something from the article. The first time i listened, and then explained that yes, that was a great idea, but it really wasn't something I could follow to the letter, simply due to my lifestyle. IT was about not eating after 4pm. Um, HELLO! I'm up until usually 12 or 1 AM, and then I sleep until 8 or 9... if I didn't eat after 4pm, I'd have nearly 16 hours without eating.. more importantly 8 hours of being awake, doing work, and being forced to be conscious without a meal. I'm pretty sure that most people will tell you that isn't a great plan when trying to lose weight. I get the whole not eating close to bedtime thing.. and that i can follow.. so i digress. But then she brought it up again, something else from the article. I calmly tried to remind her that i'd be home to read it in just 5 days, and to let her move on. But then she was trying to get me to do something, either drink only water or cut out all sugar for the next few days b/c I'm going on a cruise. Ok.. I don't give a rat's ass about what I look like right now. I'm in the middle of a depression, and I don't have a job.... this cruise is a vacation, one that I'm still not 100% thrilled to be going on, but losing weight is so not my focus! But she started talking about if I might meet someone on the cruise, and it felt so much like when she's getting to that point, to that phrase.. that, "You have such a pretty face"...

I blew up. I threw some church on her. I told her that things like that were hurtful to me. That they float around in my head long after the comment has been made. It's something that's been in my head my whole life. It's always felt like I wasn't quite good enough for her, or for anyone else. I don't care if I have a pretty face. I want someone to like me beyond what I look like. If I'm fat, then who I am inside has to be good enough. I've seen far too many people get hurt by superfulous relationships.. I don't want that. I want one boyfriend, one fiance, one husband.. one best friend.. all wrapped up in one person.

*whoa*

that was so not where I was intending to go with this.

regardless.

I have enough crap of my own to deal with, i'm still not ready for a relationship. i want one, Lord knows I do. But I'm not ready. Or maybe I'm just afraid...... afraid? shoot. I didn't think that before. If I'm afraid, what is it that i'm afraid of? Love? I don't know. Of being hurt? I've been hurt by enough "friends" in my life, and I didn't even "love" them, that I can't imagine what the hurt would feel like if it was someone who I thought I "loved" Maybe that's part of my problem all along.

Who knows?

God does. I know that. I just have to trust in him.

And maybe I'm meant to be single my whole life.

i really don't want that.

9/19

9/19....

wow. So much, SO MUCH has happened in the last year, I just don't even know where to begin.

*I gave up on great music.

*I dropped a bunch of online friends.

*It feels like there was a death. And maybe there was. A death of innocence, a death of ideals. A definite loss of trust. I have to forgive and offer forgiveness to someone who I don't really know.

*and I got promoted to the best job in the freakin' world.. or at least in the greater Nashville area... and then I got fired.

There's so much more.. it's a bit overwhelming. maybe later.

skinny jeans for men

Attention Rock Stars:

Not all of you should be permitted to wear the "skinny jean" AKA, "girl jeans"

If you are not the equivalent of a women's size 0 or 2, there's a darn good chance, you're not the right size for these jeans. If you are over the age of 30, and not doing drugs, also, a good chance you should not be wearing these jeans.

I'm looking at you, Mr Lead Singer of that band I've liked so long!

You are certainly over 30. I'm fairly certain you're not doing drugs, and if you are, they're not the emaciating kind, and you definitely have a butt that doesn't allow you to wear the skinny jean! In fact, Mr Singer, I think you're shaped too much like a woman to actually wear "girl jeans"

They're called "girl jeans" for a reason. They're meant for girls. Like my 12 year old cousin. She's got no butt and no hips, and therefore, she can wear these jeans. However, if you're a woman, with all those womanly curves, these jeans are also not appropriate for you. Your waist and hips must be of the same size! Mr Singer, you, however, do not fit the bill. I'm sorry to break the news to you! I know that you, and your delightful band, try not to fit the whole "Nashvegas Rockstar" thing. Your music isn't quite it, and ya'll never really have dressed the part... but these jeans. SO.NOT.RIGHT!

IT's just a little public service announcement I felt like making. When you dudes have what I affectionately call a "bubble butt", you probably aren't right for the jeans. It's good, tho, that you're a nice guy, otherwise you might as well pair those jeans with an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

I'm just sayin'.